When Who We Are Gets in the Way of Being Ourselves

What happens to the parts of us that don’t fit who we think we’re supposed to be?

Having a sense of who we are can help us feel grounded. But when our identities become too rigid, they can make it harder to recognize feelings, needs, and experiences that don’t fit how we see ourselves.

From early in life, we’re constantly trying to define ourselves and put ourselves into neat little boxes. Other people do it to us, too. To be honest, it’s human nature. Our brains like being able to fit things into neat little file folders to store for later.

We also take on specific roles in our family systems. The Strong One. The Golden Child. The Black Sheep. The Helper. The Caregiver. The Resilient One. The Independent One.

But what happens when “The Independent One” finds themselves needing support, or when “The Strong One” can’t hold it together anymore? What happens when someone who identifies as “not the emotional type” feels heartbroken?

When a Rigid Sense of Self Turns Feelings Into “Not Me”

When we identify so strongly with a particular identity, especially one we pride ourselves on, it can be really destabilizing to experience something that doesn’t fit. We may try very hard to disown the parts of ourselves that threaten that identity.

Those parts become “not me.”

For someone who identifies as “not emotional,” sadness and disappointment can feel like experiences that don’t belong to them. Someone who prides themselves on being easygoing might struggle to acknowledge anger. Someone who sees themselves as independent may dismiss their desire for comfort or support.

This leaves parts of our experience disconnected from our sense of who we are. To me, an integrated sense of self means having room for a range of emotional experiences, including those that surprise us or contradict how we usually see ourselves.

How Our Identities Can Lead to Self-Judgment

Another reason we might avoid experiences that contradict our identities is that they can make us feel like a failure.

“The Golden Child” (obviously) cannot maintain perfection. They get a bad grade. They decide they want to take a step back from a successful career and focus on family life. They feel like they need a rest from all of their going, going, going.

And they see that as a sign of failure. A sign of not living up to expectations. Now, in addition to whatever they’re experiencing, they’re judging themselves for it.

The need for rest becomes evidence that they’re lazy. Wanting something different becomes evidence that they’re ungrateful. Struggling becomes evidence that they aren’t who they thought they were.

There’s very little room to simply notice, “This is what I’m feeling right now.”

Why Negative Beliefs About Ourselves Can Feel Familiar

Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, right?

Staying within your little identity box can feel safe, or at least familiar, even when the box isn’t so nice. In my work with clients who have experienced trauma, I sometimes encounter painful beliefs that have become part of how they understand themselves: “I’m an impostor.” “I’m a burden.” “Nothing I do makes a difference.”

These can be painful ways to see yourself, and someone may recognize that while still finding it difficult to imagine themselves differently. Familiar doesn’t necessarily mean comfortable. Sometimes it means this is the only version of yourself you’ve known.

Let’s make it more concrete. Consider someone who sees themselves as an “impostor” and believes they have no real ability or positive qualities. Receiving a compliment can REALLY throw them for a loop.

It doesn’t fit what they believe about themselves, so instead of feeling good, it creates discomfort. It feels like “not me,” or like something they can’t trust.

Even a positive experience can be difficult to take in when it contradicts an established belief about who we are.

Making Room for a More Flexible Sense of Self

So what’s my point here? Can we loosen our grip on our identities a little to make room for more of our experience? Can we be more flexible in how we identify ourselves?

You can be independent and need support. You can be resilient and feel overwhelmed. You can be a caring person and feel angry with someone you love.

Acknowledging those experiences doesn’t have to erase the qualities you value about yourself.

It might help to ask:

• What am I feeling that doesn’t fit how I usually see myself?

• What do I think it would mean about me if I acknowledged this feeling or need?

• Where did I learn that I had to be this particular version of myself?

• Can I make room for this experience without judging myself for having it?

I think of how healthy boundaries allow for both protection and openness, and I wonder whether our identities can do something similar. Can they give us a sense of who we are while still leaving room for what we haven’t yet recognized in ourselves?

Exploring Identity and Self-Judgment in Therapy

Psychodynamic and attachment-focused therapy can offer a space to explore how these identities developed, what they mean within our relationships, and which parts of ourselves have been difficult to acknowledge.

That might mean becoming curious about why asking for help feels shameful, why anger seems unacceptable, or why another person’s disappointment feels like evidence that we’ve failed.

I offer online therapy for adults throughout Pennsylvania, including Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, and the Lehigh Valley. If you’d like support exploring these patterns, you can learn more about my approach and how to get started.